If I'd only known then.. what I know now...

Ok, so I was home the other day going through old VHS tapes & I came across my first wedding tape to a man named Brian. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen. Watching it now, after 14 years, I had so many mixed emotions. I was an awesome looking thing back then.. !!! Really loved that dress although it was borrowed.. My parents look so stressed out (Guess they knew I was making a mistake but still supported me) Oh My... I actually had the song " The Rose by Conway Twitty played at my wedding?? Traped through 3 foot of snow in shoes & hose & had to take off a winter coat when I went through the door!! Got my hair done that morning & then couldn't do anything with it for about a month afterward because the beautician fixed it to suit the veil (which I guess she thought I would be wearing for eternity). No honeymoon. What the hell was I thinking?? Watching this was so depressing & hilarious at the same time. It was like a bad episode of Married with Children. There he was.. standing there.. the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.. rubbing snuff & chewing his lip during our vows( ohhhhhhhhh) . When we said our vows, I think I looked at him briefly & he looked at me briefly. We were 2 scared kids standing up there. No one in the audience is smiling. Everyone looks as though they are attending a funeral of someone they don't even know!! (lol lol lol) It was a rather small wedding with about 15 people. The way Brian wanted it. Like he was embarrassed to be with me.
I think the only highlight out of the whole thing was seeing loved ones in the background who have since passed away. My grandfather, who married us, even seemed sad. He was so serious. However, it was really awesome to hear his voice again. I miss him everyday. I miss my grandmother who was there too. She looked so plump & healthy. Not like the past few months before she died.
Brian's mother was on the tape also. She has since past as well. I think she hated having me for a daughter in law, but after the marriage was over, we really got along extremely well. Even now, I can't remember what it was like to be married to him. Of course I remember some good times & funny stories to tell, but it was a drama filled marriage with plenty of arguing & jealousy.
I won't be hypocritical & say that I wish I had never married him. That was a choice I made. I was proud of it at the time. He was my first, & I thought by marrying him in the eyes of God, I was making myself worthy of something true & pure. It taught me alot. I think that was when I started to really grow up, only to realize that our marriage probably wouldn't last.
Then I watched my wedding tape to Jimmy Henline. Complete 365 difference!! It was beautiful. I was a little more weathered then, but boy was I happy!! He just kept staring at me. I just kept staring at him. We were truly happy that day. Sharing smiles that only we understood. When our vows were said, we looked at each other. We meant what we said. We embraced that day with everything that was in us. I wore off white which I deemed appropriate. My cousin sang. It was alot better than any recording . My family was there & smiling. The cake was beautiful. The first dance was beautiful. Jimmy looked like a little Ken doll!!! lol lol It was real family oriented. We spent our first night as a married couple in an RV ( oh yessssssss) * then went to Virginia Beach!!It was in a nutshell.. the most incredibly happiest event with plenty of well- wishers, plenty of sunshine, smiles, & love. That's the way it should have been from the beginning.
As Jimmy & I begin our 10th anniversary, I still wonder how it all happened.
How could I have started out so unhappy & went to absolute fabulousness?? I remember asking God to allow me to be happy in my life & He really went overboard. Ok, so it's not always sunshine & rainbows, but as we set watching that wedding tape together last night, it brought back so many memories of the happiest day of our life. Jimmy squeezed my hand when the Minister said " remember how you feel right now & all the little things that brought you together, because it'll be those special times that help you make it through the rough ones." I believe that we both looked at each other with knowing glances & just smiled. His statement was so true.
If I'd only known then.. what I know now... I don't know if I would have changed my mind in marrying Brian. I probably would have. Had I known that Jimmy was my real one true love, I would have waited. I feel so embarrassed sometimes thinking that I put my immediate family through 2 weddings. Having to get dressed up & participate in something that should have completed me the first time. But I am greatful that they were there through it all.
In conclusion, I love being Mrs. Henline. I love it that we are simpatico even if the world is falling apart around us. I love it that I stare at my ring everyday remembering when it was put on my finger. I am truly blessed that my life has turned out so well.

Capt. , I am happy!!!!!!